‘Tis the season for rumors and deals. The MLB Winter Meetings are upon us! The time of year when teams decide who is a poop dollar or dude. Yeah I had no clue “poop dollar” means a bad hitter and “dude” means a team’s best player is baseball slang either. And the season of teams giving out sleigh loads of cash in exchange for gifted players. This winter meeting is no different. And the biggest gift of them literally and figuratively this season is 6’7 and 282 lbs Aaron Judge. But, only one team will be able to wrap a bow on his contract and have him play for their team next season. Before the meetings started I happened to come across a couple video clips and pictures of Aaron Judge during his meeting with San Francisco Giants executives. Judge was dressed to the nines as were San Francisco executives at some restaurant that I probably can’t afford to pay for their parking at. They had pictures of them enjoying dinner and drinks. Laughing and smiling like idiots at a table in the restaurant. As someone who has been on way too many of these, it then hit me: this looked like something you’d see from a first date. Hypothetically, of course, I can give you a pretty good idea of what that “meeting” was like.

THE GIANT FIRST DATE (SORRY I MEANT MEETING)

Judge probably showed up a couple of minutes late because the Giants were wooing him. Fahran Zaidi (Giants President of Operations) probably had a drink or two in the bar area before Judge showed up. When he saw Judge walk in he chugged the rest of his drink and pretended to be on his phone. Fahran, already buzzed, uses the opening line, “wow! You look even bigger in person,” followed by thirty seconds of awkward silence, followed by fake laughs by the both of them. They exchanged small talk about the restaurant and how much warmer the weather is in San Francisco. Things seem to be going alright so Fahran suggested they go to the dining area to eat. Judge checked his phone to make sure he didn’t get a text from Cashman. Since he didn’t, he agreed. Sitting at the dinner table Judge talked about how he could eat everything. Fahran subtly checks his bank account balance on his phone under the table to make sure he has enough money. He calculated in his head what he can get on the menu after Judge says he wants the Surf n Turf. They talked about their likes and dislikes. This gave Judge the opportune time to vent about Cashman while Farhan tried his best not to look uncomfortable. To change the topic of Cashman that lasted the entire dinner, Farhan used an ace up his sleeve, the patented “I know someone famous” move to act important. He said next time they go out he will ask Steph Curry to join them. The waiter came with the bill and Fahran snatched it right away to show he has money. They left the restaurant and I have no doubt they had one of those awkward good-byes: one person goes in for a handshake while the other a hug. Farhan looks like a dude who hugs everyone and for an uncomfortably long time. Afterwards Farhan did a finger gun move to Judge and said he had a great time and they have to do it again, but also with Steph Curry.

Obviously it didn’t go that way, but when you hear the stories and see pictures of how free agents are courted by teams. You can’t tell me that free agency isn’t like dating. Now stick with me here. Teams reach out to players to let them know they are interested, tell them how great they are, wine and dine them while promising them the world. With an end goal of “closing the deal.” See what I did there? Yeah, that is probably why I’m single. Now with the advent of online dating people can message anyone they are interested in. Almost like an opening line if you met someone at a bar. With your first message you of course want to make a good impression so it usually includes a compliment, a general question or two or some of these dating sites have a preset question to send to show you are interested. Now as I said I’ve been on plenty of first dates and have always asked women what their worst online dating experiences were. First, it was always interesting to hear, and second, it made me look a hell of a lot better after they remembered what their worst experience was. That’s a free tip for you youngins. Some of the answers I couldn’t believe. It ranged from messages asking to join in threesomes to marriage proposals to dick pics. And again these were the first messages! Another tip for you youngins: If you do that, first, send a dick pic in the first message and see if that girl messages you back wanting to get together. You probably don’t want to go out with a woman like that.

See! At The Dynasty Guru we don’t only offer fantasy baseball advice.    

So after all of this I naturally wondered what Aaron Judge’s dating (free agency) profile and inbox consist of using every MLB team reaching out to him.  

ALL RISE FOR THIS DATING PROFILE

Aaron James Judge

Born in Sac Town, CA on April 26th, 1992 (30 years old)

Height – 6’7”     Weight – 282 lbs  (as they say size does matter) 

My Story – Hey, Call me Baj. I’m a Taurus. New to the market. I’m new to this and guess just seeing what’s out here. I am strictly looking for only a long term relationship! I know my worth and since my ex took me for granted I’m on here looking for a real commitment! 

Not to brag but I’m a 4x All-Star, 3x Silver Slugger Award, 2017 Rookie of the Year award winner, 2019 Wilson Defensive Player of the Year, and in 2021 made the All-MLB First Team.  I won the Hank Aaron award and am the future MVP for hitting 62 home runs this past season. Yes, you heard that right…62!   

LIKES – Pepsi, Rich Aurilia, Dogs, J Cole, fishing, football, basketball, Ocean Prime, Marcus Stroman, Judge Judy, Judge Mathis, People’s Court, Taijuan Walker, Adidas, the San Francisco Giants, and New York fans.

DISLIKES – Tall jokes, Chris Sale, Eduardo Rodriguez, Offspeed pitches, Angel Hernandez, Under Armor, low strike zones, and New York fans

THE INBOX

Read Messages (6)

April 8th 2022 

New York Yankees – Hey you, Just been thinking about old times! I am surprised to see you on here. Guess you gotta keep your options open. I understand. Six years is a long time to just throw away… DON’T YOU MISS US!?  I STILL have 231 million reasons why we should keep a really good thing going!!!  Well, maybe for the next seven years…max.  

May 23rd, 2022

Baltimore Orioles –  Hey Big Guy, I read your profile and agree that you deserve a LOT more. It’s your ex’s loss and I’m here for you if you need to talk. 

June 29th, 2022

Oakland A’s – Did you just drop something? Hopefully your standards.     

July 16th, 2022

Boston Red Sox – I want you to be my daddy.   

July 22nd 2022

Baltimore Orioles –  Someone likes hitting in Charm City. I’m still here for you…  By the way, how do you like your eggs in the morning? 

August 23rd, 2022

NY Mets – I’d love to show you the real Big Apple. 😉    

September 20th, 2022

Pittsburgh Pirates –  I know you are out of my league but I had to say hello… Do you need a first mate?  Arghhhh!        

September 28th 2022  11:54pm

New York Yankees – You up?

October 4th 2022  11:59pm

New York Yankees – Can we please talk? I know I made a huge mistake and have been regretting it for almost a year now!

October 5th 2022  12:04 am

New York Yankees – Fine. You aren’t going to find anyone else better than me!

October 5th 2022 12:12 am

New York Yankees – Ok.. Ok… I’ll give you what you want… I’m ready for a commitment! 8 maybe 9 years? Please talk to me!

 

UNREAD MESSAGES (30)

November 11th, 2022

Arizona Diamondbacks – Have you ever played the outfield… in a pool? I can find a way to make that happen. I’ll be waiting.

Atlanta Braves – I’d love to take you out sometime. I know a couple of spots you’d love.  Cheetah Lounge or Magic City. Don’t worry I know the bouncer.  And don’t worry about getting into any “trouble” out here. Just say, “Sorry, ‘I’m Ozuna from the Braves.’”

Baltimore Orioles –  Yeah.. You know me..  And I know you… You think you are hot shit and too good to talk to someone like me. Well, don’t you worry. I don’t want you either! I got a lot going on for me and this is only the beginning. But, I’m still here for you if you need someone to talk to.

Boston Red Sox – You want to make that chowderhead of an ex really mad? You got to see what the Green Monstah is really about. It’s wicked fun.

*Thank you for reporting this user. He will be blocked from contacting you* 

*We will look into this case and contact you if we need more information*

Chicago White Sox – Hey Big Guy, we can have Cell-One all to ourselves. My grandpa, Tony, is gone for at least…. the season!! We can do anything you want! Well, except for meeting lofty expectations, but I’m sure you are used to that.

Chicago Cubs – Wow!! What crazy timing!! I just broke up with my ex too!!!  I gave him eight long years and what a mistake! I fell head over heels and lavished him with $184 million mainly because I hate his ex. Well, it was technically seven years. Don’t get me wrong, he was a great guy and we had one great year (kind of) but he couldn’t give me what I really needed! So I told him a couple months ago just to stay away. I’m not high maintenance or anything. All I wanted was for him to hit above his weight. I finally had enough of his BS so I kicked him to the curb. I’m ready to move on and wouldn’t mind getting back on the saddle right now! I don’t mind making the same mistake twice if it means being with someone like you. 😉

*You added this user to your favorites*

Cincinnati Reds – Hey, you look familiar… Do you happen to know Tyler Naquin or Jesse Winker? Luis Castillo? Tommy Pham? If so, don’t listen to them. Those guys weren’t ready for a real relationship. I read your profile and think we are on the same page. I want someone who doesn’t care about winning all the time or even competing. I just want that ONE and only. Also, I need someone who doesn’t care about money either. What do you say? Want to be my ride or die?

*You have blocked this user*

**You will no longer receive messages from this user unless you unblock them 

Cleveland Guardians – Ok. How about a game of two truths and one lie.

1. In 1997, I lost in extra innings in Game 7 of the World Series with two outs and the bases loaded to give a guy their first-ever title.
2. In 2016 I had a 3-1 series lead in the World Series and blew that by losing three straight. And to top that off I lost in extra innings in that Game 7 as well. And to top even that! He had the longest drought EVER! 
3. I had to change my name because I couldn’t deal with the ridicule and I used to be kind of racist… 

Wait… actually nevermind. I’m just deleting my profile.  

Colorado Rockies – WOW! I can’t stop looking at your pictures!! Ok. Name a better looking group of outfielders than yourself, Kris Bryant, and Randal Grichuk! I could care less about roster structure. I have no clue what I’m doing, but I know what I like. And daddy like!

*You have blocked this user and will no longer be able to receive or send messages* 

New York Yankees – Hey Silly!! Just checking to see if you got my last couple of messages. My Wifi is a little sketchy 😉

Detroit Tigers – So you are a Taurus? What a coincidence! So am I!!! Don’t laugh, that is how I got Javy.. Yeah… I might not be ready for this just yet. Mentally and financially. Good luck on here!

Houston Astros – Just think how many home runs we can hit together! We can pull a train on everyone!

Kansas City Royals – Hey, my mom said I should try this online dating stuff. So… ummmm… Do you like water fountains?  Yeah sorry for wasting your time.

Houston Astros – Sorry!! I meant we can pull the whistle that is on the Minute Maid Park Train!!! Get it? For all the home runs you hit!!

Los Angeles Angels – Somebody better call God, because he’s missing an Angel.

Seriously, can I get a picture to prove to Trout and Ohtani that Angels really do exist and we actually tried.

Los Angeles Dodgers – Yeah I caught you checking out my profile. I know you saw the fast cars, the celebs, the palm trees, Mookie, and of course the stacks of cash. I can upgrade you… You know what to do.

New York Yankees – Our favorite song played on the radio just now and had to message you. “In the Ferrari or Jaguar, switchin’ four lanes with the top down screamin’ out, MONEY AIN’T A THANG!!”  Still thinking of you Baja!

Houston Astros – Ok… I got to come clean. I really meant the other type of train. I didn’t want you to Judge me. Get it…. So what do you think?

*You reported this user for harassment and cheating*

*This user will no longer be able to contact you*

Miami Marlins – I am not into games. And I know your type. I know you are trouble. I tend to cut bait at any sign of having to pay generational type talents like my hoe of an ex Giancarlo. So I’m on to your game already and blocking you!

Milwaukee Brewers – Would you like to see my hot dog…… race in the sixth inning of our home games?  I also got Chorizo, Italian Sausage, Polish Sausage, and Brat. If you are into that. Just click the link right here to see the action

>> www.clicking-this-link-is-a-binding-contract-with-milwaukee-brewers.com <<

Miami Marlins – I’m sorry I was way too hasty and that wasn’t right. Do you like art? I got a piece that used to be at the airport and now is outside my place.

Minnesota Twins – Ever been with Twins? 😉

New York Mets – I don’t understand. You think I’m good-looking? Right? I got the look, the money, pinstripes, the whole NY vibe. But, no one takes me seriously. I know you aren’t. You are probably laughing at me right now! I’m good with that… How much?

New York Yankees – You think you are better than me, don’t you?

Oakland Athletics – I don’t have flashy cars or a stadium that fans show up to. But I make up for it with a ton of personality. You decide what you treasure more.

*You have blocked this user*

Miami Marlins – Yeah! I told you I knew your type. You aren’t even smart or deep enough to get Homer. I’m blocking you! GOODBYE FOREVER!!!

*This user is no longer available for you to see*

Philadelphia Phillies – I know you must have all these people coming after you on this site. I’m not like these guys who only want your homers. I’m deep. So I wrote this poem just for you.

Now, this is a story all about how

Your life got flipped-turned upside down

And I’d like to take a minute

Just sit right there

I’ll tell you how you can become the prince of a town from PA  

Pittsburgh Pirates – Dear Beloved Friend, I know this message will come to you as surprised but permit me of my desire to get into business relationship with you. I am Mr Nutting, son to late Al-badari Surugaba Gu of Libya whom was murdered during the recent civil war in March 2011, before his death my late father came to Contonou Benin republic with the sum of USD4, 10,000,000 (US$410M) which he deposited in a bank here in Contonou Benin Republic West Africa for safe keeping. I here seeking an avenue to transfer the funds to you. Please, I will offer you 30%  of the total sum. Please help me retrieve this funds to rebuild my team that needs it with great urgency. Your immediate response would be appreciated.

Remain blessed,

Mr. Bob Nutting

*Thank you for reporting this user for violating terms of this dating site*

*The user is blocked and no longer be able to view your profile or contact you*

San Diego Padres – OMG!! You are drop dead gorgeous!! I gotta have you!! Don’t worry I have an arrangement with some other people I met on here or traded for. I don’t care about the cost and don’t care what I have to give up!!! And if some guy called the LA Dodgers message you. They are just flash and all talk. They have an issue getting it up for the big games. If you know what I mean 😉    HIT ME UP! I’ll give up Merrill, Lesko, Snelling, Zavala!

New York Yankees – Fahran (Giants) is there with you right now!!! Isn’t he!!!

San Francisco Giants – I haven’t heard back from you after our date. I am sure you are busy and just want to check in. Just so you know I’ve been thinking about you all the time and can’t wait to see you again! Sorry I know it sounds desperate but it is because I AM! You by yourself had the same amount of home runs as our starting lineup excluding Joc. Are you into pearl necklaces?  I can get one from Joc? I can give you Joc’s! You can give me one!  PLEASE!!! I NEED YOU IN MY LIFE!

*You added this user to your favorites* 

Seattle Mariners – I don’t know about you, but I prefer getting to know someone outside of this online stuff. Do you like coffee? Starbucks?  I can read you some poetry I wrote called “Lithium.” or we can ^%$^#$^$@#$^ &^%&&((**

Hey, this is Julio aka J-Rod. Stay away. Seattle isn’t available.

St. Louis Cardinals – Audio clip with Nelly’s song, “Ride Wit me” playing in the background.

If you want to go and sign with me, We 7 year dealin’ battin’ with Goldy’s, Oh you want to live this way? (Hey, take my money)

We got Arenado who hit big flies with me. Don’t take a L in the back of the Busch-E, Oh why must I feel this way? (Hey please take my money!)

*You added this user to your favorites*

New York Yankees – I hate myself

Texas Rangers – Sorry for you but I already found my Boo here. He is big and strong! And he can strike you out! Wait. You hit 62 home runs last year? Threesome? Think about it.

Toronto Blue Jays – Eh! I don’t get this online stuff. Vlad? Is that you? Ehhh. Bo?

Washington Nationals – I am not going to let you hurt me like my exes Bryce and Juan!!  I don’t even want to talk to you!! Unless you like what you see?

Houston Astros 2 – Weird. I couldn’t find you on here after my last message. Lucky for you I know how to get around the rules. So do you choo-choo choose me? 😉

**This user has already been reported for cheating but we will not do anything about it**

New York Yankees – Just tell me who was better?

Texas Rangers – Welllll?

San Francisco Giants – Sorry. I walked away from my phone and saw a missed call from an unknown number. Just making sure it wasn’t you 😉

SHOW ME THE MONEY AND LOVE

While typing this out I thought of the movie Jerry Maguire and one of the characters Rod Tidwell (Cuba Gooding Jr.) and thought how it relates so well to Judge’s situation. Everyone remembers the line Tidwell screamed in the movie, “Show me the money!”  But he also used another word that he combined with the amount of money his team offered him: love. He said that his team didn’t show him any love because of the amount of money they offered for a new contract. That made him feel disrespected and underappreciated throughout the movie. The Yankees offered Aaron Judge a pretty good amount of money before the season started. But, that would have landed him as the third highest paid player on his team (behind Giancarlo Stanton and Gerrit Cole). That disrespect, appreciation, and love might be why Judge turned down that extension.

He is now a free agent looking for love.