“There were obviously a lot of teams in play. That was courting me. And I would like to say thank you to all those teams as well.  I just felt a strong connection with the Angels and that was pretty much the biggest reason why I decided to sign with the Angels.” —Shohei Ohtani, December 9th, 2017

 2,048 days later….

They say it never rains in California but the tears you shed last night could have flooded Gene Autry Way. It was only a couple of weeks ago that your Angels were in second place and the trajectory of the team was heading in the right direction. That was until the final week of June when they lost seven of ten to close out the month. Of course, these kinds of bumps in the road will happen from time to time during the season. But that bump turned into Mount Whitney when your star Mike Trout suffered an injury that will keep him out of action for at least the next six weeks. The All-Star break temporarily stopped the bleeding as the team lost seven of the next eight to limp into the All-Star break two games under .500. But all of that wasn’t the sole reason for all those tears you shed last night. It was the text you received last night from your boss, Arte Moreno telling you to be in his office at 7 am sharp to talk about the direction of the team. Ever since you saw that text you keep asking yourself the same question, “he wouldn’t ask me to do the unthinkable?”

As you park in your spot at Angels Stadium. You check your watch and notice you have another fifteen minutes till seven. So you pull down the visor to check yourself out in the mirror. You comb one of the curls that fell out of place while looking around the parking lot to make sure no one is watching. With no one around, you close your eyes and take a deep breath to help compose yourself for what lies ahead. After a few seconds, you open your eyes and look at yourself in the mirror again. Feeling better you smile and say, “You are Perry Mother*&%$in’ Minasian. King Kong ain’t got shit on me!”

You are chomping at the bit to pitch your vision of the team as you head up to Moreno’s office. His secretary isn’t in so you knock at the office door and slowly crack it open. “Mr. Moreno?” No reply as you walk in. The room is dim but you are still able to see your way around. Maybe you are early so you check your phone but it shows it is seven on the dot. You walk further into the office and notice the executive chair behind his desk facing the other direction. There is a silhouette of someone sitting on the chair. 

 

PM – Mr. Moreno? It’s Perry, sir. You said you wanted to meet at 9. 

A high-pitched voice replies, “Yes, sit down Perry.”

Perry is perplexed by the voice but sits down in one of the chairs in front of the desk. 

The high-pitched voice – “Comfortable?”

PM – Yes? Are you feeling ok, Mr. Moreno?

High-pitched voice – You know Perry? Oh gee. I have been running this team for twenty years now. I’ve seen a lot of players come and go.

PM – I’m sure you have, sir.

High-pitched voice – But this time it hurts.

PM – Sir, I know who you are talking about. But I came up with a plan to build around him and contend this year! Please. There has never been anyone like Shohei Ohtani. If we trade him now, we will have zero chance of re-signing him. I can get him to re-sign a deal with us once I show him my vision.

High-pitched voice – Tell me this, Perry. Whose money are you planning on using to re-sign Ohtani and build this vision around him?

PM – Yours, sir.

High-pitched voice – Exactly. 

The chair spins around to reveal Mickey Mouse.

Mickey – You know how many of those fuckin’ It’s a Small World rides it takes to come up with $600 million? 

PM – Ummm… A lot?

Mickey – You know I like you, Perry. I know your whole story. You didn’t take any shortcuts to get here. You are personable and everyone you interact with comes off impressed. Gosh, that is why I hired you. 

PM – You did? It wasn’t, Mr. Moreno?

Mickey bangs his desk with a closed fist. 

Mickey –  Gosh, Perry! You are a smart guy. Think about it. Where are we?

PM – Anaheim? I mean Los Angeles? I mean Los Angeles… of Anaheim?

Mickey starts whistling Steamboat Bill while he stares at Perry. A nervous Perry starts to sweat profusely and looks away while adjusting his tie. Mickey stops and chuckles.

Mickey – Wrong. This is Disneyland! Mickey stands up and starts to pace around the office. Anaheim, LA, Oak-town, San Diego, San Fran, Hollywood… all of California…. is Disneyland! The most magical place on Earth! And tell me this, Perry. Who is the main attraction?

PM – You, sir.

Mickey stops pacing and stares at Perry.

Mickey – You are Goddamn right. *Mickey starts to pace around the office again.* Do you think the world’s most beloved character can look weak or better yet, incompetent? Pujols, Upton, Rendon, Hamilton, and now this shitshow with Ohtani. *Mickey starts to yell* Do you think anyone would show up to my parks, buy my merchandise, or watch my movies?

PM – No, sir. I love your movies, by the way. I am a bit of a movie buff and love watching your movies with my kids.  

Mickey – You better. Wait. Only on Disney Plus?

PM – Yes, sir.

Mickey – Ok… good. *Mickey goes back behind his desk and sits down. He goes into his coat pocket to pull out a cigar and lights it while he puts his feet up on his desk.* 

Pop quiz, hot shot. Do you know why I pay ridiculous amounts of money on free agents and get the LA moniker, Perry? Bzzz! Too late. Back when I got approval for the Angels in ’61. I was told by Ford Frick, who was commissioner back then that if I’d pony up the dough I can do whatever I want. Baseball was growing and they needed my deep pockets. So I told this Frick I’d own the team if the Angels were the only team in California. He shook my head and agreed to the terms. Oh, boy! All I saw was dollar signs! But he needed some time to set all the wheels in motion so I played ball and called the team the LA Angels for the first few years. I didn’t want to make any waves with the other owners, especially O’Malley (Dodgers) and Stoneham (Giants) right off the bat. Everything was going according to plan. In ’65 we switched to the California Angels. In ’66, I moved the team to Anaheim so it could be near my Magic Kingdom. Then right after the move that Frick retires and some idiot by the name of Spike becomes the new commissioner. The balls on this guy. He nixed the final step. The Dodgers don’t move to Seattle and the Giants to Montreal. He told me I can’t have the entire California market. It wouldn’t be fair to the other teams. So I told him to stick a hot dog where the sun don’t shine and let my dear friend, The Singing Cowboy, be the face of the team. I stayed behind the scenes till another schmuck commissioner, Bud begged me to come back in ’99.

PM – Wow. That is crazy! I had no idea. 

Mickey – No one does. *cashes out the cigar and lights up another* So let’s keep this meeting between us. Best friends stick together. 

Before Perry can answer, Chip n Dale appear on each side of Perry, startling him. 

PM – Yes, yes sir. Of course. But what about Mr. Moreno?

Mickey takes a puff of his cigar.

Mickey – Moreno is just another face. I had to act like I sold the team after MLB found out I allegedly grease some palms to help the team win the 2002 World Series. *cough* Nen *cough* Understand this, Perry. I pull the strings around here. I’m Geppetto and Arte… well, you can say he is my Pinocchio. *Mickey as well as Chip n Dale slyly laugh making Perry squirm in his chair with uneasiness* I picked Arte because no one would take him seriously. Just listen to the guy! Also, he knows how to take orders. Understand? 

PM – I understand.

Mickey – And he has that ridiculous mustache that reminds me of Walt. I miss that guy. 

PM – “Oh yes, the past can hurt. But the way I see it, you can either run from it or learn from it.” (Rafiki from The Lion King) 

Mickey – *Mickey smiles*  You are quite the movie buff, Perry. 

PM – So… sir, do you still want me to trade Ohtani?  

Mickey leans forward over the desk to look into Perry’s eyes.

Mickey – *whispers*  No, Arte Moreno is telling you to trade Ohtani. *Mickey leans back in his chair and laughs.* You have 24 hours to make this happen. See ya real soon! *waves goodbye and turns his chair around*

Perry is frozen in his tracks, and can only nod and smile as Chip n Dale escort him out of the office. After the door is closed on him. Perry darts to the executive bathroom and runs into a stall to throw up. Afterward, he goes to one of the sinks to clean up. He splashes cold water on his face and looks at himself in the mirror. Perry murmurs, “King Kong ain’t got shit on me.” and exits the bathroom to head to his office. 

A sense of relief rushes over him as he takes a seat at his desk. Taking a deep breath and wiping the rest of the cold water off his forehead. Perry pulls out a flask filled with Peppermint Schnapps from the bottom drawer and takes a swig from it. Reclining back on his chair he looks around his office walls. The walls are filled with various movie posters but his eyes fixate on the display of his collection of autographed bats. He started collecting at the age of eight from his days of being the Texas Rangers bat boy. He starts to reflect on those times, all the hard work and sacrifices he made to get where he is. A smile starts to come across his face and a feeling of tranquility blankets him. A few moments pass and the sound of a notification chirping from his cell phone wakes him from his trance. He puts the Schnapps bottle on his desk and pulls out the phone from his inside coat pocket. The notification was regarding a Jon Morosi tweet that stated, “A Shohei Ohtani trade is not being ruled out by the Angels… front office will consider incoming trade inquiries for Shohei Ohtani.” Perry slumps over his desk as his phone starts chirping incessantly. He grabs the Shnapp bottle and takes a gulp while at the same time logging into his laptop. He feverishly types out an email that is addressed to every MLB front office that simply states, “I am considering trade offers for Ohtani but will not be taking any calls. I will be the one contacting each team personally so please be patient.” He sends the email and says, 

PM – Toto, I have a feeling we are not in Kansas anymore.

After a deep exhale he grabs a framed picture on his desk. It is a picture of him and Shohei on the Dumbo Ride at Disneyland that he got photoshopped.

Perry – I guess we will never take that ride. Don’t just fly Shohei, soar.

He then throws the picture into the wastebasket and starts the unenvious task of trading Shohei Ohtani. 

 

ARIZONA DIAMONDBACKS

Perry – I’ve had it with these mother*&%$in’ snakes on this mother*&#$in’ plane, Mike! 

* Mike Hazen puts his phone on mute and says to himself.

Hazen – I hate this mother*&%$in guy. Unmutes the phone. Hey, Perry. Funny stuff. How is everything?

Perry – Get it, Mike? Diamondbacks are snakes! *Silence* I know you get it. 

Hazen – Yeah, I get it. Funny stuff.

 

Diamondbacks offer – P Brandon Pfaadt, 1B Ivan Melendez, P Yu-Min Lin, and a pair of snakeskin boots with “Mother&*@#in’ Minasian monogrammed on them.

 

ATLANTA BRAVES

Perry – Did we just become best friends? 

* Alex Anthopoulouis rolls his eyes knowing how Perry is from their days working together in Toronto and Atlanta.*  

Alex – Yup

Perry – Actually Alex we are more like brothers…Stepbrothers! 

*Alex rolls his eyes again while Perry laughs obnoxiously into the phone*

Alex – Get out of my face or I’m going to roundhouse your ass!

Perry – What was that stepbrother?

Alex – Do you want to do karate in the garage?

Perry – Holy Santa Claus shit! Yup!

Alex – We can do that next time you are in town. But first, let’s talk about Ohtani. *silence* Perry? Are you there? 

*But it is too late. Perry put the phone down out of excitement and grabs one of his autographed bats playing with it as if it were a lightsaber. As he does the bat slips out of his hand and crashes into his tv that is mounted on the wall behind his desk* 

 

Braves offer – P Owen Murphy, P JR Ritchie, SS Braden Shewmake, P Dylan Dodd, 3B Ignacio Alvarez, and industrial strength night vision goggles. 

 

BALTIMORE ORIOLES

Perry – You’ve got to ask yourself the question.

Elias – What question?

Perry – Do I feel lucky? 

Elias – Well, I don’t feel lucky now that you called. 

Perry – I said, do you feel lucky, punk?

Elias – Perry, I want Ohtani but not this badly.

 

Orioles offer –  OF Colton Cowser, OF/1B Heston Kjerstad, P DL Hall, and a 44 magnum…. toy.  

 

BOSTON RED SOX

Perry – I like you a lot, Brian. I want to ask you a question, straight out, flat out, and I want you to give me your honest answer. What do you think the chances are for you a guy like me getting Devers, Mayer, Bleis, and Anthony for Ohtani? 

O’Halloran – Well, that is difficult to say. I really don’t….  

Perry – Hit it with me! Just give it to me straight. 

O’Halloran – Not good?

Perry – You mean not good, like out of a hundred?

O’Halloran – I’d say more like out of a million.

Perry – So you’re telling me there is a chance? YEAH!

 

Red Sox offer – 2B Nick Yorke, OF Miguel Bleis, and P Brandon Walter along with a briefcase full of IOUs that equal $100,000 

 

CHICAGO CUBS

Perry – Hawkins? Hawkins? Hawkins? Hawkins?

Jed Hoyer – Um, he’s sick.

Perry – Oh? I was doing that Ferris Bueller line.

*Jed Hoyer hangs up the phone*

Perry – Hoyer? Hoyer? Hoyer? Hoyer?

 

Cubs offer – OF Brennen Davis, SS Cristian Hernandez, P Jordan Wicks, and gets to perform Twist and Shout on a float during the Van Steuben Day parade.

 

CHICAGO WHITE SOX 

Perry – We are putting the band back together?

Hahn – What? Is this you, LaRussa? 

Perry – We are on a mission from God. 

Hahn – What? Hello? Tony, I’m sorry we need you back! We will let you take naps in the dugout. Hello?

*Perry is too busy playing air guitar with one of his bats while singing Sweet Home Chicago*

 

White Sox offer – OF/DH Eloy Jimenez, P Crisitan Mesa, OF Yoelqui Cespedes, and the promise to be one of the Blues Brothers by the name of Pimpin’ Peoria Perry in their next movie.

 

CINCINNATI REDS 

*Perry in some sort of accent*

Perry -Say “hello” to my little friend.

*Reds GM Nick Krall’s daughter Katie, picks up the phone* 

Katie- Hello, little friend. 

*Perry is caught off guard by the response and doesn’t what to say*

Katie – Little friend? Hello?

Perry – Stop scaring me!! I don’t want to be your friend!!! 

*Perry quickly hangs up the phone and hides under his desk in a panic*

 

Reds offer – SS/3B Noelvi Marte, P Chase Petty, 2B Carlos Jorge, and a Yellow 1965 Cadillac Eldorado.

 

CLEVELAND GUARDIANS 

*Perry grabs another autographed bat from his collection and as he tries to bust a hole through his office door. The bat ends up getting embedded into the door* 

Perry – Here’s Perry!!!  

Chernoff – Perry? 

Perry – Do you get it? I busted my door open like Nicholson in The Shining.

Chernoff – You know I can’t see you.

Perry – All work and no play makes Perry a dull boy.

Chernoff – I’m hanging up now. 

 

Guardians offer – OF George Valera, P Justin Campbell, 2B Juan Brito, and a new door for his office.

 

COLORADO ROCKIES

Perry – You’re going to eat lightnin’ and you’re gonna crap thunder! 

Schmidt – I’m going to do what?

Perry – Yo, Mike! We did it!!!  *impersonates Sylvester Stallone’s voice*

Schmidt – I pity you, Perry.

Perry – Adriannnnnnnnn!!!

 

Rockies offer – OF Zac Veen, P Jaden Hill, 3B Warming Bernabel, and a meet and greet with Mr. T.

 

DETROIT TIGERS

Perry – Look, if you had one shot or one opportunity. To seize everything you ever wanted in one moment. Would you capture it, or just let it slip? Yo.

Harris – My motto? Fuck Lotto! I’ll get the seven digits from your mother for a dollar tomorrow.

Perry – What did you say about my mom?

Harris – I thought we were rapping stuff from 8 Mile?

Perry – I don’t know what you are talking about. *Perry hangs up*

 

Tigers offer – P Wilmer Flores, OF Justyn-Henry Malloy, P Matt Manning, an apology letter from GM Scott Harris to Perry, and a rap battle against Eminem. 

 

HOUSTON ASTROS 

Perry – Dana, we have a problem.

*Perry takes another one of his autographed bats and starts banging the garbage can in his office*

Brown – I can’t hear you, Perry. Are you guys having construction over there? Can you talk louder?

Perry – Dana, we still have a problem.

*After breaking the first bat Perry grabs another one and bangs the garbage can with that bat*

Brown – C’mon Perry! I wasn’t involved with that. 

*Perry continues to bang the garbage can*

Brown – Every damn team I talk to! I’ll email you the offer.

 

Astros offer – OF Ryan Clifford, P Spencer Arrighetti, OF Pedro Leon, a new garbage can, and a lifetime pass to the Space Center Houston. 

 

KANSAS CITY ROYALS 

Perry – I love you, Picollo, And I’d like all of you to love him, too. 

Picollo – I get it. I love Brian’s Song too.

Perry – And so tonight, when you hit your knees, Please ask God to love him. *Perry starts to cry then Picollo starts to cry as well* 

 

Royals offer – OF Gavin Cross, P Frank Mozzicato, P Angel Zerpa, P Asa Lacy, SS Austin Charles, and a Brian Piccolo Bears jersey signed by JJ Picollo.

 

LOS ANGELES DODGERS 

Perry – Brandon, did you order fried sauerkraut?!?

*Brandon tries his best to make sounds that sound like a flame thrower as he lights a Dodger jersey in his office*

Gomes – Do you have a snake or something in your office?

Perry – No, but I should have done that for Mike from the Diamondbacks. That sound is my interpretation of the sound a flame thrower would make when I burn down Dodgers stadium to Dodgers to dust!

Gomes – What?? Is that why you called me? Not about Ohtani? Are you for real?

Perry – As real as a donut. 

Gomes – Donut? Oh! As in the number of games you won in the last ten games against us?

*smoke alarm goes off in Perry’s office*

Perry – I gotta go you hippie! 

 

Dodgers offer – C Diego Cartaya, P Gavin Stone, P Ryan Pepiot, OF Josue De Paula, and all the donuts he wants at Randy’s Donuts for life.

 

MIAMI MARLINS 

Perry – I’ve got a plan, Kim

Ng – What’s that?

Perry – I’m hot. I’m big. My name is Perry Minasian and I believe in fitness. Ng – *mumbles under her breath* Not from the pictures I’ve seen. 

Perry – I’m sorry Kim. What did you say?

Ng – I said….

Perry – It doesn’t matter what you said! By the way, do you know who invented salad?

Ng – I think it was the Rock.

Perry – *yells into the phone* Do you smmeeeeelllll what the Rock is cooking?

* Kim Ng hangs up*

 

Marlins offer – P Dax Fulton, 2B Xavier Edwards, P Sixto Sanchez, SS Kahlil Watson, a training session with the Rock, and unlimited salads at Ciardino Gourmet Restaurant. 

 

MILWAUKEE BREWERS 

Perry – Matt, you son of a dick!

Arnold – Excuse me?

Perry – You have a hole in your ass.

Arnold – We all do? What’s your problem?

Perry – Knick-knack paddy whack, get your dog a bone at 3000 paws.

Arnold – I hope you trip and break your leg.

 

Brewers offer – OF Sal Frelick, SS Eric Brown, P Carlos Rodriguez, 3B Luke Adams, and the Mr. 3000 Shopping Center.

 

MINNESOTA TWINS

 Perry – You know what Thad, you are a big dork!

Levine – What did I do?

Perry – You blind-seeing eye dog! Get mad, pop a vein!

Levine – I don’t know what you are talking about.

Perry – You big fat *blows an air horn into the phone*

Levine – What was that? I can’t hear!! What the hell!!

Perry – Ever heard of Certs?

Levine – I can’t hear anything out of my right ear. I don’t know what happened. Hold on. *Levine switches the phone to his left ear*

Perry – You big fat… *blows the air horn again into the phone*

Levine – Why did you do that!!! Now I can’t hear out of both ears!

 

Twins offer – SS Brooks Lee, P Simeon Woods Richardson, and SS Austin Martin on the condition that the Angels package includes a twenty-pack of Certs and two hearing aids with Ohatani.

 

NEW YORK METS 

*Perry remembers that Bill Eppler used to be the GM of the Angels and wants to talk to him about how he dealt with Mickey Mouse being the owner*

Perry – Bill!! I know. *winks into the phone*

Eppler – You know what?

Perry – You know. *winks again*

Eppler – I have no clue what you are talking about.

Perry – You know! A mouse in the house. *winks and smiles*

Eppler – A mouse in your house? You called the Mets, not an exterminator. *hangs up the phone*  What an idiot!

*Mr. Met walks into Bill Eppler’s office*

Mr. Met – Have you traded Verlander or Scherzer yet?

Eppler – No sir. But I got an idea that might work with those idiots running the Angels.

 

Mets offer – Every free agent that the Mets signed last offseason.

 

NEW YORK YANKEES

Perry – I’m going to make you an offer you can refuse, Brian.

Cashman – Is that right?

Perry – I don’t like violence, Brian. I’ll bring a cannoli and not a gun when I see you. 

Cashman – You threatening me, mother#$%*er?  One phone call and the entire Hudson Valley Renegades roster at your front door. Don’t f&*k with me! 

Perry – No, no…It’s Perry… GM of the Angels. I emailed you saying I’d get in contact with you about Shohei. I was just quoting The Godfather. I’m sorry.

Cashman – The LA Angels of Anaheim? Those Angels?

Perry – Yeah.

Cashman – I’m sorry. I didn’t know it was you. Please, tell Mr. Mouse that I’m sorry and didn’t mean any of that. Kiss his hand for me.

Perry – Ok?  I’ll tell him. 

Cashman – Bless you. Bless Mr. Mouse. You fellas take care. 

Perry – Um… you too.

 

Yankees offer – OF Spencer Jones, P Will Warren, SS Roderick Arias, P Chase Hampton, and cannolis from Veniero’s Bakery for life.

 

OAKLAND ATHLETICS

Perry – There are rich teams, and there are poor teams. Then there’s fifty feet of crap. And then there’s you. 

Forst – More like five hundred feet.

Perry – Adapt or die!

Forst – Oh, our team is dying. What do you want, Perry?

Perry – I’m calling about the email I sent you.

Forst – What did it say? Fisher said wifi is an unnecessary luxury for a team. That reminds me… can we wrap this up. I pay for my minutes.

Perry – Oh sorry, I called to see if you have a trade offer for Shohei Ohtani.

*Forst starts laughing hysterically for two minutes straight*

Forst – Oh shit! Yeah, let me run that by Fisher. *still laughing* He wouldn’t even let me expense $6 for lunch. I’m sure he will pony up 600 million on extending Ohtani. Oh shit, my minutes! *Forst hangs up*

 

A’s offer – A phone bill from Cricket for four minutes and a copy of David Forst’s resume.

 

PHILADELPHIA PHILLIES 

Perry – Damn it, Sam, you never plan ahead, you never take the long view, I mean here it is Monday, and I’m already thinking of Wednesday. Is it Monday?

Fuld – Yeah?

Perry – We plan ahead, that way we do anything right now.

Fuld – Well, I got plenty to do so can we talk about Ohtani?

Perry – That’s how they get you. They are under the goddamn ground!

Fuld – Who will get me from under the ground? Is this code for something?

Perry – We killed it! Fuuuuuuuuck you!

Fuld – What? Well, Fuuuuuuuck you.

Perry – Fuuuuuuuck you

Fuld – Fuuuuuuck you.

 

Phillies offer – OF Justin Crawford, P Alex MacFarlane, P Orion Kerering, and a baseball bat autographed by Sam Fuld with the message, “Fuuuuuck you, Perry! But the movie Tremors is awesome!”

 

PITTSBURGH PIRATES

Perry – *Perry sobbing* Shut up, just shut up. You had me at hello.

Cherington – I didn’t even say anything.

Perry – Show me the money!!!!!!!

Cherington – You called the Pirates. We don’t have any money!

 

Pirates offer – P Quinn Priester, 2B Nick Gonzales, P Jared Jones, and a Ron Tidwell, Arizona Cardinals jersey. 

 

SEATTLE MARINERS

*Perry says to himself before he calls GM Justin Hollander*

Perry – I’m so going to mess with this asshole. They think they are so smart with all of their trades and farm system. Well, if they are so smart, why is my team ahead of them in the standings? Idiots! 

Someone picks up on the other line but Perry only hears heavy breathing* 

Perry – Justin?

DiPoto – No this is Jerry DiPoto. Perry, I know you are dealing with a lot over there with possibly trading Ohtani! But there is something far more important that you need to do! Lives are at stake!! 

Perry – What? Where?

DiPoto – There is a bomb on a bus!!

Perry – What? What bus?

DiPoto – You heard me! There is a bomb on a bus that is outside Angels’ stadium. The first one that leaves the parking lot is the one with a bomb. You need to make sure it doesn’t go above 55 mph!

Perry – Why me? 

DiPoto – Focus Perry! Don’t worry about that. You are their only hope! There is no time to waste! Go! Go! Go!!!!!

Perry – Ok. Alright. You can count on me, Jerry! *Perry hangs up the phone*

DiPoto – Idiot! I told you they are all idiots over there. *Laughing loudly with Justin Hollander* 

*Perry darts out to the parking lot where he sees a bus drive off. He waves his arms to get their attention to no avail. Running as fast as he can with his arms wailing in the air to catch up to the bus. Not even a block Perry gives up and collapses on the street from exhaustion*

 

Mariners offer – A Casio G-Shock DW-5600C-1V 

 

SAN DIEGO PADRES

*Before Perry can say anything, Preller is already talking*

Preller – I love scotch. Scotchy, scotch, scotch. Here it goes down, down into my belly. Get this shit… an hour ago that San Diego Chicken boss of mine *laughs loudly into the phone as he takes another sip of scotch* I used to love when that guy took his beak and scrunched it up. Anyway, get this… *Preller looks around and whispers* he told me that I need to start shedding payroll or *Preller yells* bing-bong-bang, you’re fired! And you know what I said to that piece of.… chicken Guess, Perr-Perr!!! 

Perry – I love lamp.

*Preller laughs and spills half his glass of scotch on his shirt*

Preller – That’s a good one. No, I told him I don’t know how to tell you this boss but I’m kind of a big deal.*Preller laughs but it turns into hysterical crying* I’m a glass case of emotion!! Go fuck yourself, San Diego! 

Perry – A black man follows me everywhere when it’s sunny… I call him Leon. 

Preller – Man, you are easy to talk to. You know how it is when everyone wants you fired and you are on the hot seat. *talks louder while he takes off his shirt* It’s so damn hot, Soto was a bad choice. 

 

Padres offer – An incoherent letter from Preller pleading Perry to take any of the Padres players as long as they pay their contracts. And he also notes that they don’t even have to give them Ohtani or any player in return. 

 

SAN FRANCISCO GIANTS

Perry – You want the answers!?

Putila – I didn’t even ask a question. 

Perry – *screams into his phone* You want the answers!

Putila – Again, I didn’t even ask you a question.

Perry – You can’t handle the truth!!! 

*hangs up the phone*

 

Giants offer – P Carson Whisenhurst, OF Vaun Brown, P Will Bednar, OF Heliot Ramos, and 1,992 Code Red Mountain Dews.

 

ST LOUIS CARDINALS 

Perry – Whatever happens, I won’t speak a word of it.

Mozeliak – Thanks?

Perry – Seriously, I don’t care what happens. I don’t care if we kill someone.

Mozeliak – Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Perry – Sorry, I had a couple of drinks and am pretty sure someone put a roofie in it. I don’t remember anything from last night.

Mozeliak – No worries. We all say dumb shit when we’re fucked up.

Perry – Are you ready to let the dog’s out?

Mozeliak – Woof, woof, woof.

Perry – Do you want to be in my one-man wolf pack?

Mozeliak – No, but I can get you a Doug.

 

Cardinals offer – OF Alec Burleson, 2B Nolan Gorman, P Cooper Hjerpe, SS Jonathan Mejia, a tiger, and former Cardinals pitcher Doug Bair who is currently 73 years old. 

 

TAMPA BAY RAYS

Perry – I love the smell of 372,844 pancakes in the morning. Smells like victory!

Bendix – It’s 4 pm?

Perry – Now I’m about to do to you what N’sync sang in the late 90’s, Bye, bye, bye

Bendix – That’s just lazy writing.

 

Rays offer – 3B Curtis Mead, 2B/SS Oslelvis Basabe, 2B Jonathan Aranda, P Nick Bitsko, and 372,844 pancakes.

 

TEXAS RANGERS

Perry – Excuse me bra.

Young – You’re excused. And I’m not your bra.

Perry – Whatever, dude. Whatever. Peace. God bless.

Young – Hey Perry, I’m sorry you can’t even be second best in our division. Maybe next year.

Perry – What’s that

Young – Second place. Sorry, you couldn’t hack it.

Perry – Ha. I didn’t even know you were in first. Get back to me when you win a World Series. So I guess you can David Free-se your balls, El quinietos dos Bases en Bolas 

Young – You think you are too cool for school. But I got a newsflash for you, Walter Cronkite….. You aren’t

Perry – Who are you trying to crazy with, ese? Don’t you know I’m loco? 

Young – Hey, I got a wacky idea. What say we settle this on the field? Mini Minasian.

*Perry starts kicking and throwing karate chops in the air and slaps himself while grunting*

Young – Stop that! Perry! Stop! Why did you call me? Perry! 

 

Rangers offer – P Jack Leiter, SS Luisangel Acuna, P Cole Winn, INF Thomas Saggese, and a silver foil-colored suit with a matching headband.

 

TORONTO BLUE JAYS 

Perry – Ross, I got to talk to you right meow!

Atkins – Sure, Perry what do you need to talk about?

Perry – All right meow, are you Jays going to be buyers this deadline?

Atkins – *giggles* Buying

Perry – Meow, what’s so funny?

Atkins – You are obviously saying the word meow.

Perry – You think I’m saying meow? Do you think I drink from a saucer or eat mice?

Atkins – Of course not. What can I do for you?

Perry – This is urgent, Ross. We need to talk about this right meow. Are you being serious meow?

*Atkins hangs up*

Perry – Damn, only six. 

 

Blue Jays offer – P Alex Manoah, 3B Orelvis Martinez, SS Tucker Toman, P Sam Robberse, and a $100 gift card to Shenanigans Pub & Patio in Toronto

 

WASHINGTON NATIONALS

Perry – Abracadabra.

Rizzo – Juan? I knew you’d want to come back!

Perry – Fuck you

Rizzo – Bryce?

Perry – Fuck you, fuck you, you’re cool. I’m out!

Rizzo – At least I have Crews…. for now. *Rizzo pulls out a photoshopped picture of him and Dylan Crews on the Krazy Kups ride at Six Flags* 

 

Nationals offer – P Cade Cavalli, OF Robert Hassell III, P Jake Bennett, OF Jeremy De La Rosa, and a pound of Mr. Nice Guy weed.

 

Now it’s time to say goodbye

to all our company.

S-H-O

See you real soon?

H-E-I

Why? Because we miss you.

O-H-T-A-N-I

 

“Everything I learned, I learned from movies.” –Audrey Hepburn

Have I played the part well? Then applaud as I exit.