Dynasty Baseball

The Juan Soto Quandary

Amigos Para Siempre…

The day is Saturday, July 16th, 2022 and you are Mike Rizzo (Washington Nationals GM). You shined up your 2019 World Series ring for today’s special occasion and the only thing that is shining brighter than that ring is the smile that has been on your face since you woke up this morning. Yes! Today is your day! You drove into work with the top down to the Benz, letting the wind hit that beautiful bald head of yours while singing your favorite song All Star by Smashmouth. Why are you so happy when your team is 27.5 games out of first place, occupying last place in the NL East? 

Well, today my friend you are about to lock up your lone All-Star from that dumpster fire of a team you put together this year. For at least today you won’t have random people yelling at you that their dog is smarter than you or that you look like a knockoff Jim Cramer or the Harold guy in those hide the pain memes.

Not today! You are about to sign a generational talent in Juan Soto to the biggest contract in MLB history for fifteen years. Back in 2015, you and your staff saw something in this 16-year-old kid from the Dominican Republic even though he wasn’t even in the top twenty rankings of international prospects coming out that year. You were able to outmaneuver the Twins, Diamondbacks, and Tigers to make sure Soto became a National. The media didn’t really think much of the signing back then with only a couple of blurbs from a few news sources which mainly focused on his signing bonus. Little did you know back then that the Baseball Gods dropped a generational talent into your lap and your legacy will be cemented by having his immense talent on your team. You spent months convincing your boss, Ted Lerner, to open his checkbook and pay this kind of money on just one player. The endless nights you put in with various staff to make sure everything was right and this was the right decision. You can’t wait to make the announcement that Juan is going to be a National for life and that this is the start of a new era in Nationals baseball.

You strut into your office and tell your secretary that you don’t want your usual Haute Dog and Chili Bowl from concessions because you plan on going out later to celebrate. You close the door and recline back in the chair behind your desk while kicking your feet up on it. You deserve it! All that hard work you put in! Giddy with excitement you start laughing loudly while screaming, “I’m f*ckin’ Mike Rizzo! Wooooo! Who is the man? Me! That’s who! Woo000!!!!” 

After that second Ric Flair Woooo your phone notifies you of a text. You sit up and take a look. It is from Scott Boras, who represents Soto. You two don’t have the best history, indicated by the nickname of “King Dick” you gave him in your phone contacts. You are thinking he is probably blown away from the money involved in the contract and wants to thank you along with a congratulations. You look at the text and all it reads is that they are rejecting the offer. You start to sweat profusely and check the text again to see if there was a LOL or JK that you missed after the text. There isn’t. You drop your phone onto the desk. You feel sick so you lay back in your seat, close your eyes, trying to breathe. After a minute you feel alright and you say to yourself, “C’mon Big Mike! Don’t do it! Boras wants you to cry! Don’t give him the satisfaction! You got this!”

You regain your composure and happen to glance over a framed photo on your desk. It dawns on you that you had these feelings before and this photo is a reminder. It is of the first love of your life, Bryce Harper. You pick it up and see the both of you smiling together. You see that Bryce wrote on the bottom of the photo: “friends forever.” You remember how happy the both of you were back then and thought it would last forever. You smile and drift off for a minute reminiscing how much you loved watching those luscious locks of his flow in the wind just. You start to feel a small headache coming from all this stress so you massage the top of your head while looking close at the picture and say to yourself, “Maybe, I’ll schedule that consultation for that hair transplant place for tomorrow?”

Wait! You have to snap back into it and remember what is really going on. Now, you remember how much Bryce hurt you and how he left you! In fact, he left you for a team in your own division! You throw that picture to the floor and there is another framed photo on your desk. This one is a picture of you and Soto smiling together that Soto wrote “amigos para siempre.” (friends forever)  Your eyes start to well up as you stare at the photo trying to hold back the tears and scream, “I’m not going to let you hurt me too!”

You throw that frame at the wall dramatically and call your secretary on the intercom. You need two orders of haute dogs and a bunch of chili because you are going to have a long day. Assessing the situation you realize you aren’t in a bad spot just yet because Soto still has two years of arbitration eligibility so there is no need for urgency. But, it doesn’t hurt to see what the market is like for Soto right now? You decide the best thing is to be proactive and pick up the phone to start dialing every team in the majors in alphabetical order of the city or state they reside in, of course. 

…You Can’t Hurt Me!!

For this part of the adventure Mike Rizzo will be played by Mike Rizzo… Well, really it’s me, but for sake of the narrative I have it as Rizzo… just read and don’t question it. 

Arizona Diamondbacks – Rizzo pulls up Mike Hazen, the Diamondbacks GM, on his phone and sees his contact picture, “Wow this guy is handsome! He looks like the type that knows it too, just like Bryce.” Rizzo rolls his eyes and grits his teeth while he calls Hazen, “Hey Pretty Mike, how is the most handsome GM in the majors doing!  Big Mike here! I am sure you heard the news and I’m calling you first because you are so damn pretty! What do you think, you pretty motherf*%ker?

  • Diamondbacks offer – Corbin Carroll (OF), Daulton Varsho (OF/C), Jordan Lawlar (SS), and Brandon Pfaadt (SP), along with an autographed picture of Mike Hazen that says…To Mike Rizzo, the most handsome GM in the majors. FRIENDS FOREVER!

 

Atlanta Braves – “Hey Alex! Big Mike here! Congratulations on winning it all last year! I did that too! Sorry about Freeman, but hey screw him right? Bros before hoes! I’m calling you first to see what you would give me for Soto?”

  • Atlanta offer – Michael Harris (OF), Spencer Strider (SP), William Contreras (C), Austin Riley (3B), and a race with the Freeze where he gets a 130-meter head start.

 

Baltimore Orioles – “Hey Big Mike! This is Bigger Mike here! You finally can say your team isn’t eliminated from the playoffs before the All-Star break.” Rizzo laughs loudly into the phone. Well, anyway, congrats on that! I’m calling you first about Soto because we both have the same first name… what do you have for me?”

  • Orioles offer – Adley Rutschman (C), Gunnar Henderson (SS), DL Hall (P), Coby Mayo (3B), and accommodations in the B&O Warehouse at Camden Yards whenever the Nationals play in Baltimore for Rizzo and his family.

 

Boston Red Sox – Rizzo watches a clip of Good Will Hunting to see how to talk to people from Boston. He calls Red Sox GM Brian O’Halloran using his interpretation of a Boston accent. “Oooooo’Halloran!  How are you doin’ you wicked smaht guy?  How would you like to stop hearing shit from your fans about trading the Mookie Monster away? Yah huh?”

  • Boston offer – Marcelo Mayer (SS), Triston Casas (1B), Brayan Bello (P), Tyler McDonough (OF), and a DVD of Good Will Hunting signed by Ben Affleck and Matt Damon personalized with Rizzo you’re a frickin’ pissa FRIENDS FOREVER!

 

Chicago Cubs – Rizzo from Chicago decides to break out a favorite skit from Saturday Night Live about Chicagoans “Jed! Da Cubs! Can I talk to Theo? Just kidding buddy I know you are the man over there now of Daaaa Cubs!  Hey can you introduce me to daaa Eddie Vedder or does he only talk to Theo? Nevermind I’ll just Daaa Theo later on.  I called you first because you are Daaaaa Jed.. what would you give me for Daaaa Soto?”

  • Cubs offer – Brennan Davis (OF), Peter Crow Armstrong (OF), Christopher Moral (OF), Caleb Kilian (SP), Nico Hoerner (SS), Jordan Wicks (SP), and a private concert performed by Eddie Vedder and Theo Epstein that Jed Hoyer is not invited to.

 

Chicago White Sox – Rizzo calls the first team he worked for as a scout and remembers he didn’t get paid for his last day on the southside. Calls Rick Hahn White Sox GM, “Slick Ricky! Is it your turn to watch LaRussa to make sure he doesn’t get lost in the stadium?  Just kidding with you buddy! Do you take care of paychecks over there? I didn’t get paid for my last day over there back in ‘96. I showed up to tell Reinsdorf off, but he wasn’t there so I just hung out in the cafeteria for the day because the special was Italian Beef that day. I did show up so I should get paid. You can cut the check out to Big Mike. Anyway, let’s talk a deal Ricky!”

  • White Sox offer – Luis Robert (OF), Michael Kopech (SP), Dylan Cease (SP), Colson Montgomery (SS), Jared Kelley (SP), a check for $72.18 for his last day, and all the Italian Beef he wants when the Nationals play in Chicago.

 

Cincinnati Reds – Rizzo really has never talked to Reds GM Nick Krall so he needs to think of the perfect nickname to call him to break the ice. All of a sudden it comes to him and with a smile he calls the number, “Krall-y! How is that big-head, Mr. Red? Why did he get rid of that ‘stache? Do you think I can pull off that look?” Before Krall can say anything, Anyway, Krally Krall I got another guy with a big head who looks good in red too. What can you do Krally Krall Krall?”

  • Reds offer – Hunter Greene (SP), Elly DeLa Cruz (3B/SS), Jay Allen II (OF), Austin Hendrick (OF), and an agreement that Mr. Red will grow back his mustache.

 

Cleveland Guardians – Rizzo jumps on Wikipedia right before he calls Guardian’s GM Mike Chernoff and sees graduated from Princeton. “Hey Fresh Princeton of Cleveland, quick you Ivy League prick what is Juan plus Juan? You give up? It’s you!!”

  • Guardians offer – Daniel Espino (SP), George Valera (OF), Gavin Williams (SP), Jhonkensey Noel (1B/3B) and Mike Chernoff’s diploma from Princeton.

 

Colorado Rockies – Rizzo is excited to call GM Bill Schmidt because he is one of the few GMs older than him. “Schmidddddttyyy!” Schmidt doesn’t say anything. Rizzo starts the conversation, “Can you hear me grandpa? I said Schmiddddtyyy! Turn up your hearing aid! I heard you guys got Russell Wilson! He should help take the attention off of your Kris Bryant signing.” Silence. “Hey I’m sure you guys sold a lot of tickets, especially to the women out there with signing KB! If I were you I’d put his face all over the place! Put up some of those huge billboards of him. That right there should sell tickets right there to take care of a couple million of that $182 million contract you signed him to!” More Silence.. Rizzo knows he is losing him, “What are those guys drinking out there in Vegas?  Him and Bryce? Am I right Schmidddttyyy? Awkward silence. Rizzo stumbling his words,“You know I checked you out on Facebook and saw some pictures of you back in high school. You weren’t that half bad yourself.” More awkward silence. “You know you can just text me if you are interested in Soto. Talk to you later Schmidddtttyyy!!!  

  • Colorado offers- Kris Bryant and a cease and desist letter from Bill Schmidt.

 

Detroit Tigers –  Rizzo remembers that the Tiger’s owner Mrs. Ilitich owns Little Caesars pizza franchise and comes up with an intro to break the ice with GM Al Avila “Hey, I like to order a large pizza with some of that crazy bread.” Al is silent not knowing what is going on. Rizzo repeats the order and says,“Yeah can you put some haute dogs on a pizza? Do you guys sell liters of soda? Do you have Mountain Dew?” Al says, “Mike you know you called Al Avila and not a Little Caesars?” Mike laughs into the phone. “Yeah Al!! just pulling your chain! That pizza does look good when I see those commercials! Do you get any type of discount when you order from there? I get my food half off over here at the stadium.” Before Al can answer. “I got to talk to these guys about getting one of your Little Caesars in here. My only request is that I can get haute dogs on the pizza! Anyway Big Al I’ll talk to you later it is my dinner time

  • Detroit offer –  Al Avila never finds out why Rizzo called him.

 

Houston Astros – Right before he calls James Click GM of the Astros. Rizzo grabs a garbage can and gets a bat. He puts the call to Click on speakerphone while he bangs the garbage can screaming, “Click the dick! What’s going on you fuckin’ cheater? What does it mean when I bang the can three times? Before Click can answer, Rizzo says, “It means I am looking to trade Soto. What are you offering me, you garbage banger?

  • Astros offer – Kyle Tucker (OF), Hunter Brown (SP), and an agreement to purchase all the garbage cans needed for Nationals Stadium in the next ten years. 

 

Kansas City Royals – Rizzo calls GM J.J. Picollo wondering what the JJ stands for, “Double J! How about those Chiefs? You reach out to Mahomes yet to see if he can start for you in the offseason yet? You guys still have those huge fountains in the outfield? I guess it takes away from the empty seats out there. By the way, what does JJ stand for? Just Junk like your team? Just kidding Double J! Your water bills must be insane with all the water you use in those fountains. So Soto? What are you thinking?

  • Royals offer – Bobby Witt Jr (SS/3B), Vinnie Pasquantino (1B/DH), Asa Lacey (SP), Frank Mozzicato (SP), Drew Waters (OF), and a lifetime pass to take a dip in the fountains at Kauffman stadium.

 

Los Angeles Angels – Rizzo takes a look at Google images to see what Perry Minasian, the GM, looks like before he calls him to maybe get an idea of what type of guy he is. He accidentally calls him and doesn’t realize Minasian picks up. Rizzo says, “This guy looks like a full size kid… He looks like the kids I gave wedgies to back in grade school…  I remember putting some kid’s underwear over his head… I bet I can do the same to him..  Perry says hello on the phone, scaring Rizzo. Per’ Perry! How ya doing champ? Just wondering if you are a boxer or a brief guy? Or are you a commando guy like me?Perry doesn’t know what to say. Rizzo cuts the silence by saying, “Let’s talk about another generational player you guys can waste!”

  • Angels offer – Shohei Ohtani (P/DH), Reid Detmers (SP), Jordyn Adams (OF), Jeremiah Jackson (SS), and an agreement that Rizzo can give Minasian a wedgie every time he sees him.

 

Los Angeles Dodgers – Rizzo is now onto Dodgers GM Brandon Gomes, but before it connects Rizzo mutters to himself. “I’m Brandon Gomes and I can win every year because I can spend as much money as I want because I’m an a$$hole.” Gomes picks up “Homer Gomer!! How do you do it with only spending $260 million this year? Do you need another All-Star for your All-Star team out there?”

  • Dodgers offer – Walker Buehler (SP), Diego Cartaya (C), Bobby Miller (SP), Andy Pages (OF), Jose Ramos (OF), lifetime tickets to Three Magic Theatres, and 100 Dodger Dogs per year for the next fifteen years.

 

Miami Marlins – Rizzo looks through his phone for Marlins GM Kim Ng and realizes he isn’t 100% sure how to pronounce her last name. He wonders if Ng represents her initials and he just lazily put that in there instead of her full name? He tries to look online on his phone to see if he can find anything to help him and accidentally calls her. Kim picks up and Rizzo says, “N to the G! Hey girl! Finally got rid of that pretty boy Jeter! I’m more of an A-Rod fan…  How about we talk about a guy that isn’t overrated as Jeter, but just as pretty?”

  • Marlins offer – Jazz Chisholm (2B), Kahlil Watson (SS), Max Meyer (SP), (OF) Peyton Burdick, a bouquet gift from Derek Jeter, and the Marlins home run sculpture

 

Milwaukee Brewers – Rizzo decides to go to his closet and put on the George Washington costume head they use for the President races at Nationals Park while calling Milwaukee GM Matt Arnold, “Hey Matt! Do you get any say in who wins those sausage races? I made sure in my last deal I got full authority to choose who wins our President races in my last contract! I won’t ruin the surprise but I have them making a Trump and Biden one to race later on this year. I am still undecided on who should win. I don’t want there to be a riot with how everyone is touchy about politics nowadays. Maybe we can do a cross promotion where our President’s race your sausages? So Big Sausage, what do you want to offer for Soto?” After having no clue what Rizzo said because he had that George Washington costume on, Arnold texts Rizzo later on to find out what he wanted.

  • Brewers offer – The Chorizo from the sausage race, Jackson Chourio (OF), Garrett Mitchell (OF), Aaron Ashby (SP), Keston Hiura (1B/2B), Herbert Perez (OF), and an agreement that Rizzo can dress as a haute dog and participate in the sausage race every game the Nationals play at Millers Park.

 

Minnesota Twins – Rizzo decides to break the monotony and play a little music. Since he is calling Minnesota he picks Prince’s Let’s Go Crazy to play while he calls Thad Levine Twins GM playing the air guitar Hey Levine! Let’s get crazy! Let’s get nuts!” Levine doesn’t know what to do and Rizzo is too busy playing the air guitar. After a minute of silence during the song’s guitar solo Rizzo jumps back on the phone, “Man Levine you should have seen me shred just right now! You guys should wear all purple when you know it is going to rain and have a Purple rain theme night! And serve pancakes like that Chapelle skit!” Rizzo starts to remember the skit and can’t stop laughing. Levine asks, “What can I do for you Mike?” Rizzo starts making those Prince screeches and can’t stop laughing. Levine says, “I know what you want. I’ll email you my proposal.” and hangs up. Rizzo doesn’t realize Levine hung up and says, “Game….. Blouses.” and continues to laugh for another five minutes.

  • Twins offer – Jhoan Duran (RP), Alex Kirilloff (OF), Jordan Balazovic (SP), Simon Woods Richardson (SP), Emmanuel Rodriguez (OF), Brayan Medina (SP), and a replica outfit of Prince’s purple suit with ruffled dress shirt and boots to match.

 

New York Yankees – Before calling Yankees GM Brian Cashman. Rizzo looks at Cashman’s contact picture and says out loud. “I really hate this smug prick. He thinks he is so smart, he probably isn’t going to offer me shit because he is always trying to put something over on everyone.” Rizzo looks closer at the picture, “And why does he always look like he is smelling something bad?” Rizzo makes the call while casually smelling his armpit (Cashman answers) The Cash- man! How is the smartest GM in the business? Let’s make you look even smarter! I got a guy with no facial hair already so no need to break out the clippers! What can you offer me, you smart SOB?”

  • Yankees offer – An “A” prospect that no one has heard of and a bottle of Preferred Stock cologne.

 

New York Mets – Rizzo calls Mets GM Billy Eppler while watching an old Seinfeld episode, “Billy Boy!! That Kramer guy right? Isn’t he an a$$hole for always taking Jerry’s food without asking? Mr. Met sure seems like he is one when I see him on TV! Is he like that in real life?  That Seinfeld guy seems to be one too. I’ve always been a Newman guy myself. Anyway Billy Boy, what do you have to offer?”

  • Mets offer – Francisco Alvarez (C), Brett Baty (3B/OF), Mark Vientos (OF), Matt Allen (SP), Simon Juan (OF), a boxing match against Mr. Met, and an autographed photo of Newman that says, “Hello Rizzo!”   

 

Oakland Athletics – Rizzo grabs his desk fan to use his Darth Vader impersonation and calls A’s GM David Forst, “Use the Forrr-scee David.” David says, “Excuse me Mike?” Rizzo replies, “This isn’t Mike, this is your father. Let’s get you, Obi-Juan!” After a minute of Rizzo breathing into the phone like Darth Vader. Forst sighs and says, “I’ll message you my ideas Mike.” Mike doesn’t reply because he is too busy looking on Ebay for a lightsaber.

  • A’s offer – The Oakland Coliseum and a green lightsaber 

 

Philadelphia Phillies- Rizzo dials quickly while breathing way too hard. Phillies GM Sam Fuld picks up. Rizzo says, “Bryce, are you there? F@#$%cckk you!” Rizzo hangs up. Calls again. Fulds picks up. Rizzo now screams, You broke my heart! I hope you and that green cheap knockoff Mr Snuffaluffagus looking motherf*&ker Phillie Fanatic enjoy hell together!” Rizzo hangs up again and reclines in his chair smiling.

  • Phillies offer – Phillies send offer after Rizzo drunk calls Fuld at 3 am apologizing and hoping he and Bryce are ok. Phillies offer a case of Rolling Rock, a life-size cutout of Bryce Harper, Bryce Harper hair products, and a restraining order from both Bryce Harper and the Phillie Phanatic.

 

Pittsburgh Pirates – Calling GM Ben Cherington, “Big Ben!” Rizzo making Dong noises now “Big Ben!” *Dong*  How does it feel being the only Big Ben in Pittsburgh!? *Dong* You guys are f$%ked if you got to rely on Trubiksy. He killed my fantasy team a couple of years ago. *Dong* Well, at least you guys got that O’Neil kid! Speaking of him?”

  • Pirates offer – O’Neil Cruz (SS),  Quinn Priester (SP), Bubba Chandler (SS/P), Tahnaj Thomas (SP), a Mitch Trubiksy Steelers jersey, and a Big Ben memento clock that dings every hour.

 

San Diego Padres – Rizzo realizes it is time to call Padres GM AJ Peller who never turns down a deal and has been calling him since the news broke about Soto. Rizzo gets himself prepared with his opening line to break the ice, but before he can say anything. Preller answers even before the phone rings, Rizzo-nator where have you been? Ready to trade, let’s make a trade, you know you want to make a trade!” Rizzo is caught off guard. Peller can’t hold in his excitement saying in a kid’s voice, “Will Mikey like my entire farm system for Soto?” Rizzo is like a deer in headlights and just hangs up. Never replying to the fifty trade proposal texts he gets from Peller about Soto.

  • Padres offer – The entire San Diego minor league system and every draft pick they have for the next three years. 

 

San Francisco Giants – Rizzo is in the home stretch and only has a few teams to go. Scott Harris Giants GM is next on his list. “Scotty 2 Hotty! You remember that old WWE wrestler with that crazy hair and did the worm for a finishing move? Whatever happened to him? Can you do the worm?” Harris replies no and asks Rizzo what he was looking for in a trade for Soto, but Rizzo doesn’t hear him because he is trying to do the worm dance move on the floor of his office. Harris waits for a couple minutes, but Rizzo knocks himself out on the floor trying the move so Harris hangs up and emails him a couple trade ideas. 

  • Giants offer – Kyle Harrison P, Mario Luciano SS, Luis Matos OF, Hunter Bishop OF, Randy Rodriguez P, and a Scotty 2 Hotty WWE wrestling buddy. 

 

Seattle Mariners – Rizzo calls GM Jerry Dipoto of the Mariners which has Mariner Moose as his contact photo on Rizzo’s phone for some reason. Dipoto answers and Rizzo just says, “Hello Jerry” mimicking Newman from Seinfeld. After a minute of silence Jerry Dipoto hangs up. Rizzo calls again and again in his Newman voice, “Hello Jerry” after another thirty seconds of silence Dipoto groans and says what do you want Rizzo? Rizzo requests to talk to Mariner Moose. 

  • Mariners offer – Julio Rodriguez (OF) and Mariner Moose.

 

St. Louis Cardinals – Rizzo shotguns a can of Busch beer and calls John Mozeliak GM of the Cards. Mozeliak picks up. Rizzo lets out a loud twenty-second burp that makes John move his phone away from his ear. After Rizzo is done John brings the phone back to his head and says with disgust, Hey Rizzo, what can I do for you?” Rizzo doesn’t reply because he is shotgunning another Busch beer.

  • Cardinals offer – Jordan Walker (3B), Juan Yepez (1B/OF), Masyn Winn (P/SS), Tink Hence (SP), and three 24 packs of Busch Beer every time the Nationals play at Busch Stadium.

 

Tampa Bay Rays – Rizzo like all GMs doesn’t want to be another mark for the Rays who always seem to come out as winners of every trade they make. Rizzo calls to do his due diligence, but quietly keeps saying, “Please don’t pick up, please don’t pick up.” Erik Neander picks up with an evil laugh sounding like the guy from Saw and asks Rizzo if he wants to play a game? 

  • Rays offer – Taj Bradley (SP), Greg Jones (SS), Randy Arozarena (OF), (2B) Vidal Brujan, Tyler Glasnow (SP), and Carlos Colmenarez (SS), and an agreement that no one from Rays management will ever call him again.

 

Texas Rangers – Rizzo checks out on Wikipedia that Rangers GM Chris Young almost played basketball for the Sacramento Kings instead of pitching in the majors so he can’t wait to pitch another idea instead of a trade proposal for Soto. Young answers with a Howdy. Rizzo yells, Too Tall Chris! How is the weather up there! I got a rec league basketball team and we can use you!” Chris politely declines. Rizzo, “Well, think about it! Our team has a better record than either of our teams!” Rizzo laughs hysterically and spends the next ten minutes going over his stats in the rec basketball league.

  • Rangers offer – Jack Leiter (SP), Josh Jung (3B), Dustin Harris (1B/3B), Evan Carter (OF), Yeison Morrobel (OF),  Ricky Vanasco (P), and a commitment that Chris Young will play in Rizzo’s rec basketball league for five years.

 

Toronto Blue Jays – Rizzo finally gets to the last team on his list. Maybe the most interesting team to make a deal with considering all the talent they have in both the major and minor league rosters. Ross Atkins, GM of the Blue Jays, picks up the phone with Eh and Rizzo in his Arnold Schwarzenegger voice, “Ross-inator, come with me if you want to win.” Ross, drinking a glass of milk at the time, starts to laugh and the milk squirts out his nose laughing hysterically. Rizzo keeps reciting Terminator quotes in his Schwarzenegger voice while Atkins uncontrollably laughs for two hours. 

  • Blue Jays trade – Santiago Espinal (IF), Nate Pearson (SP), Gabriel Moreno (C),  Orelvis Martinez (SS/3B), Ricky Tiedemann (SP),  Sem Robberse (P), and an agreement that Atkins will be Rizzo’s best friend forever. 

 Juan For You? Juan For Me.

So if you made it to the end of this fictional chronicle of how crazy it might make someone to trade their best player, you might be thinking of doing something similar with your dynasty team. Well, of course, it doesn’t hurt to see what you can get for that player. Simply putting a guy like Soto on your league’s trade block will at least give you a gauge on what you might get in return. It can’t hurt! You always need to assess where your team is in the standings and the state of your roster.

Should you handle trading him like fictional Mike Rizzo?

Well, probably not.

The Author

Ryan Felix Fernandes

Ryan Felix Fernandes

I don't know why they let me write here either...

4 Comments

  1. Big Dog Bill
    July 27, 2022 at 3:22 pm

    Ordinarily I skip over articles like this one, but the creative writing is genius! I had to read the article to the end. Great write-up and hope to see more from this Ryan Fernandez!

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